Power of Moms.Posted: 2014/01/09
What can’t I say about my sister Nicholl that isn’t positive? Of course it wasn’t always this way, and please don’t ask her, but she remembers a time where I was a horrible person that didn’t have such nice things to say. Obviously this was a time jaded by my own selfishness and not seeing who she was fully as a person to appreciate how wonderful she was then and even more how I appreciate her now. At her wedding I stood next to her and gave a speech praising her as my best friend and noting how sad I was to lose her to my brother-in-law Dave (he’s equally as wonderful). It’s crazy to me that I felt that way almost ten years ago, because I feel like she is more of my friend now than in my entire life. (Maybe the reason I feel more like her friend is because we share something that is so unexplainable until you experience it yourself, being a mom). And while I am not sad to lose her to Dave, just eternally grateful to add him to the bunch, there are times I wish I could push away the lives we’ve enveloped ourselves in as adults and just be sisters first and foremost. It goes without saying that I feel this way about Rashelle and Mara too, but I write about Nicholl because she sent me an email this morning that made me grateful.
Nicholl continually sends me emails on motherhood, mostly from the blog Power of Moms. This article “Are You Getting What YOU Need Out Of Motherhood?” made me feel hopeful because I know that I’m not getting all I can out of motherhood because I feel so lost still that sometimes I don’t know how to live my life in the midst of living Harlow Jude’s as well. The article made me feel selfish, considering I know that I will hit my stride with parenting when she’s in school most likely and that I have her now for five more years until I hit that point. I know me, and I know where I excel. This isn’t to warrant compliments or I suppose concerns on my parenting, because honestly I know I am doing a good job. I am raising her with the full intent to put her well being ahead of my own and to raise her with the grace of God, things will get sloppy and won’t always be aligned, but as long as I continue on this route I know we will be okay. I am writing this perhaps for my own sanity, for me to see in writing that almost eight months in I am still so lost in a haze of being a human being. I wonder when this haze will lift and the person I was will begin to take shape again. I know in my heart that this person will never take shape again because I will and can never be that person again, instead I need to redefine who I am and who I will be behind being Harlow Jude’s mom.
So, today I start again in the search of finding myself a little bit more. Most importantly, I will do my absolute best in getting what I need out of motherhood and giving Harlow Jude what she needs from her mom.
My infamous speech at Nicholl and Dave’s wedding. Oh yes, that’s me with short hair you won’t see again until my 70’s.
Rashelle, Nicholl and Mara praying for me before my wedding.
And of course the three of them walking me to Jacob.
The four of us throughout the years at other people’s weddings.
I mean, come on, just look at this family. They should be the picture inside of frames.