While New York has been looking beautiful in a blanket of snow, we have been hibernating away inside for up to six days at a time. I’m pretty sure that I’m more anxious than Harlow Jude about getting outside, but keeping her entertained these days is much more difficult. With Harlow Jude being the crawling machine that she is, I can’t turn my back for a second without her scooting up the stairs and into something mischievous. Jacob taught her how to scoot down the steps, a quick learner this one.
We haven’t had many nice days, but this was a wonderfully sunny 50 degree day where no giant stroller, blanket and cover were needed. It was such a treat to not have to take the elevator everywhere we went.
We went to dinner one night and it was so cold that even in the restaurant we needed to stay bundled. Also while in this restaurant, a couple asked to move tables because I was breastfeeding, ah New York.
A farewell lunch with my friend Gur, whom I’ve known since L.A. for almost 10 years now. I really only show you this picture because Harlow Jude has been making this squinty disgusted face for awhile now, and it’s just so funny. I’m glad I finally captured it.
This is old, from the Empire State Building with grandpa & grandma, but I thought it was so sweet I want to share it.
Our big move has taken over my life. Problems with our apartment have arisen, packing is a menace, and I have this nagging feeling that I am forgetting something huge. While we have had our last pediatrician appointments and dental visits, have dates set for our last good-byes with friends, and an apartment ready to be shipped across the country for the second time in our marriage, that feeling of uneasiness lingers. Secretly it is probably that I have so much to do for us in regard to San Francisco that I feel unfinished here in New York, or maybe it is simply that I feel my time here is unfinished. I have dreamed about living in New York my entire life (ask my grandma about the 7am phone calls serenading Sinatra’s, “New York, New York” to her from the ripe age of 6), and when we moved here with a job at DVF in one pocket and a new marriage in the other, life seemed to be unfolding down a very glamorous path. Alas, our life has taken a different path, one of which ended up with poop all over my jeans today on the 1 train. A very different path indeed.
Harlow Jude is now nine-months-old, 18 pounds 6 ounces and 29 inches tall and a really good helper with packing.
I made mazes throughout the house with boxes, Harlow Jude loved crawling through them all.
Some hats we found while packing up.
We’re six weeks away from moving out of New York, and I feel as though the countdown has truly begun. I have made a list of must-do things before we leave (eat pizza at Roberta’s, walk the Highline again, visit the Gaultier exhibit . . . ), a list of have-to things before we leave (return our cable modem) and a list of things to sell before we leave (anyone interested in an iMac 27″ computer?). I have made our final doctor’s appointments, arrangements for our apartment to be shipped and stored, our utilities to be turned off, and of course booked our airfare. We leave New York on March 5th for Wisconsin and then to Orange County on the 12th where we will remain until March 31st.
April 1st will officially be the first day of us settling into a new city and a new chapter of our lives (so cheesy, right?). Jacob has been waiting for me to want to settle down somewhere (perhaps it’s a childhood of going week to week and month to month between parent’s houses that left me with the feeling that I need to be able to pick up and leave at a moment’s notice or that never being settled is the only thing I have known, but I digress), I am ready, officially and honestly. Jacob moved to Los Angeles to be with me, and then he hopped in our car and drove across the country to New York to be with me again. I told him it was his turn to pick any city and I would follow him, it was his well deserved turn. And so, San Francisco here we come! Not only is this Jacob’s turn to pick a city, this has become the city of choice for us to settle down in. We are saving to buy a house, scoping out the schools for Harlow Jude and searching for a church to call home. We are very excited.
While I am busily packing up our apartment in this 8 degree weather, not many outings will be taking place. And so, I leave you with a few adorable pictures of Harlow Jude in the meantime.
Suitably dressed for our cold weather, taking refuge in a coffee shop.
My friend Anna came to visit from Chicago. Harlow Jude has been going through a bit of stranger anxiety, but I was able to capture a few photos of her without looking upset.
We were all dressed up with nowhere to go. My girlfriend had come down with a horrible ear infection, and so we stayed dressed up inside for the day.
Oh just goofing with drumsticks in our mouths.
Rocked to sleep.
On our way for a jog.
I mean, model right?
Harlow Jude is clearly the center of attention.
The five of us set out for a day in the city while Jacob was working. Our first stop was Grand Central Station.
Grandpa Peter pushing Harlow Jude around to the New York Public Library and then to Bryant Park, what a champ.
Our date night. Woo woo.
Sadly saying our goodbyes.
The Sobralski clan came to visit us in New York last week, what a treat, we are so lucky. Harlow Jude is so much more fun now, it was really special for them to play with her rather than have our usual Skype dates full of frozen screens and disconnected calls. Jacob and I have been hosting a lot of guests ever since Harlow Jude has been born, I totally get the appeal, she’s awesome. I think we are a bit tired of going, going, going, but this visit was so special and so welcome; Peter, Sara and Luke were the ideal guests to end it on. We finally made it to the Empire State Building (on the New York bucket list) and to one last dinner at M Shanghai (Jacob’s favorite) before we move. An added bonus of having my in-laws in town was that Jacob and I were able to escape for three hours and enjoy a proper date: dressed in heels, walking hand in hand, enjoying a glass of red wine over a duck dinner and not talking about Harlow Jude (we made it two hours, and somehow ended up discussing diapers of all things; can’t beat romance like that). Thank you for making the trip to see us, we can’t wait to see you in six weeks.
Our visit to the Empire State Building.
Visiting The Clositers at Fort Tryon, 1/2 mile from our house. The only perk of where we live in the ghetto. I have to appreciate them for humoring me in front of one of the hundreds of Rockefeller’s acquisitions.
What can’t I say about my sister Nicholl that isn’t positive? Of course it wasn’t always this way, and please don’t ask her, but she remembers a time where I was a horrible person that didn’t have such nice things to say. Obviously this was a time jaded by my own selfishness and not seeing who she was fully as a person to appreciate how wonderful she was then and even more how I appreciate her now. At her wedding I stood next to her and gave a speech praising her as my best friend and noting how sad I was to lose her to my brother-in-law Dave (he’s equally as wonderful). It’s crazy to me that I felt that way almost ten years ago, because I feel like she is more of my friend now than in my entire life. (Maybe the reason I feel more like her friend is because we share something that is so unexplainable until you experience it yourself, being a mom). And while I am not sad to lose her to Dave, just eternally grateful to add him to the bunch, there are times I wish I could push away the lives we’ve enveloped ourselves in as adults and just be sisters first and foremost. It goes without saying that I feel this way about Rashelle and Mara too, but I write about Nicholl because she sent me an email this morning that made me grateful.
Nicholl continually sends me emails on motherhood, mostly from the blog Power of Moms. This article “Are You Getting What YOU Need Out Of Motherhood?” made me feel hopeful because I know that I’m not getting all I can out of motherhood because I feel so lost still that sometimes I don’t know how to live my life in the midst of living Harlow Jude’s as well. The article made me feel selfish, considering I know that I will hit my stride with parenting when she’s in school most likely and that I have her now for five more years until I hit that point. I know me, and I know where I excel. This isn’t to warrant compliments or I suppose concerns on my parenting, because honestly I know I am doing a good job. I am raising her with the full intent to put her well being ahead of my own and to raise her with the grace of God, things will get sloppy and won’t always be aligned, but as long as I continue on this route I know we will be okay. I am writing this perhaps for my own sanity, for me to see in writing that almost eight months in I am still so lost in a haze of being a human being. I wonder when this haze will lift and the person I was will begin to take shape again. I know in my heart that this person will never take shape again because I will and can never be that person again, instead I need to redefine who I am and who I will be behind being Harlow Jude’s mom.
So, today I start again in the search of finding myself a little bit more. Most importantly, I will do my absolute best in getting what I need out of motherhood and giving Harlow Jude what she needs from her mom.
My infamous speech at Nicholl and Dave’s wedding. Oh yes, that’s me with short hair you won’t see again until my 70′s.
Rashelle, Nicholl and Mara praying for me before my wedding.
And of course the three of them walking me to Jacob.
The four of us throughout the years at other people’s weddings.
I mean, come on, just look at this family. They should be the picture inside of frames.